Her Secret
by Eilish92
Summary: This is AU as if Ruth never aborted Jay's baby but she still lost her job with Sarah Evans.
1. Chapter 1

**Her Secret**

This was written a while back and it was my first fanfic, I have made a few changes since the original. This is AU as if Ruth never aborted Jay's baby but she still lost her job with Sarah Evans. As they whole thing is already written I shall be updating every day :)

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

Jay was in a state of depression just about surviving, he could not believe she had dumped her for no reason out of the blue. They were sitting in her flat one day and she just asked him to leave. He never understood it but never questioned it he knew she would just push him away.

'Can you believe her? She wouldn't even chip in for a birthday present for him! I knew things were bad between them but come on!' Noel grumbled to Big Mac.

As soon as Ruth approached her colleagues they all pretended to be busy, they were gossiping about her as usual but she didn't care what they thought of her she was better off alone, that's how she liked it.

It was Jay's birthday in a few weeks and everybody was chipping in for a present for him but Ruth had refused, they all assumed it was because she wasn't talking to him since they broke up but secretly she was planning something of her own...

Jay was none the wiser about anything people were planning, if he was honest he didn't care he just wanted his shift to be over so he could leave the ED and he wouldn't have to look at her face, it hurt too much for him.

Meanwhile Ruth was just as eager for her shift to be over, she never thought this thought would cross her mind but she couldn't wait to go shopping. The cold, frosty Dr Ruth Winters actually wanted to go shopping.

When her shift was finished she practically run out the door, not wanting to be questioned by anybody. As the young doctor went into the department shop, to get the perfect present, she headed straight to the Home department. However she got sidetracked and ended up in the Children's wear department, looking at baby clothes. All she could think was what was she doing she should be focused on her career right now not thinking about a baby, her baby, her and Jay's baby. One which her knew nothing about, but he wouldn't want to. Why would he want to be stuck with her. In a bid to cheer herself up she allowed herself to have a look at some baby essential, something she would need but in typical Ruth fashion she was being practical and refused to look at anything gender specific.

By the time she left the shop she left the shop she was £500 lighter and 7 bags heavier and had to find somebody to cover her shift on Tuesday so she could be in for the delivery man. The only thing she was think about was how she was going to tell him. That where the birthday present came in...

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad smile.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Her Secret**

**Chapter 2**

Another day another shift in the ED. Ruth surfaced early that morning to be met with a bout of morning sickness, something which she had convinced herself would pass. On her way to the kitchen she passed her spare bedroom, it was now filled with the purchases of the previous week, all laid out after she had examined each tiny item of clothing last night sat alongside her other purchase the photo frame.

As she got ready for work, the young doctor noticed something in the mirror, a small bump had appeared as if from nowhere on her usually flat stomach. All she could do was stand there and stare at it. It didn't look or feel like her body anymore but she loved it. The feeling of something growing inside her. Ruth felt like, for once, she had a reason to get up each day.

Ruth faced another unforeseen battle as she got dressed, her jeans were just not fastening properly, she started to root through her wardrobe and tried another three pairs, it just wasn't happening. She started to panic, she has been the same petite size 8 since she was 16 and now nothing fitted her. Eventually Ruth found a pair of leggings and a floaty top she had purchased but never worn. As she left her flat three unpleasant thought entered her mind, a)she would have to go shopping again today, b)now she had a bump people could start to notice and c)Her scrubs would also have become tighter and they were not the most flattering things to wear at the best of times never mind when she was trying to hide a baby bump.

This particular day in the ED had been hectic for the team there was a major RTA and two people had died because of this Zoe had decided to organise a girlie night out to cheer people up. At the end of her shift she gathered up most the girls, Tess, Alice, May, Polly and Dixie, to go for a drink until she realised that Dr Winters was missing.

'You girls go ahead, I'll wait for Ruth' Zoe told the others as she lingered at the Reception Desk

'Room for a few more?' enquired Adam, Jeff and Charlie, hating to be excluded for a night at the pub

'Sorry girls only bo..' She cut of mid sentence as she seen Dr Winters try to sneak past unnoticed

'RUTH, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?' Zoe screamed making the young girl jump

'Emm... Sorry I.. I.. thought you had left without me so I was just going to head home' Ruth stuttered in her usual awkward way

'Oh well you're not so lucky, I chose to wait for you and I'll be damned if I'm going into that pub without you! Also your all dressed up so you're not going home now'

'I'm really tired and I could do with an early night, I back here in the morning for an early shift and also I've got to go shopping' Ruth could help but smile at the fact that Zoe had said she was all dressed up!

'Well I'm just going to follow you until you change your mind and come for a drink' Giggled Zoe, hoping the threat of having to allow someone into her flat would be enough to convince her to come out, even if it was for a while. Zoe had become more determined to make Ruth come out of her shell as she had become closer to the young doctor whilst she was going out with Jay as she had regularly attended the pub with them and Zoe was not going to let this stop now they had broken up. Also Zoe had a bet with Nick that she could coax Ruth out of her shell or she would have to update all his Patient Files for the month, and that certainly wasn't going to happen any time soon, she would drag Ruth there if she had to.

'Ok but only for one drink' Ruth conceded realising that it would be easier to just give in that have Zoe nag at her for ages.

As they walked out of the ED Ruth caught a glimpse of Jay, he was just starting his shift. He looked totally different to usual, he had a smile on his face but not a real one, it was there to save face and to stop people asking if he was ok. She was longing to go up to him and talk to him, tell him, but she knew she would only back out her birthday plan was much better so she kept walking an chose to avoid eye contact with him to save anymore heartache.

The only reason Ruth had broke up with Jay was because she felt humiliated, all she could think was how stupid she had been to let someone in and now be in this situation. She had intended to get rid of the baby and swear herself of men for good but she couldn't go through with the first so kept her promise with the second.

When the two doctors entered the pub the others were just finishing their first drinks, Zoe took it upon herself to get the next round in.

'What's everyone having?'

'Same again thanks' chirped May, Polly and Dixie

'I think I'll head home now, but thanks anyway' Tess said before Zoe had time to object, she then looked at Ruth.

'Just a Diet Coke for me' she muttered hating the fact that she was here at all

'You have got to be kidding me, live a little Ruth. Doctors orders, you can have your Diet Coke but only with a double Vodka'

'I already said I working in the morning, I need to keep a clear head but thanks anyway'

'One drink won't kill you and once again I'm not taking no for an answer'

Oh God how was she going to get out of this one without anyone questioning it, she could just take a sip and then make an excuse to leave, she would claim to be unwell, no one would question that.

Zoe was taking her time at the bar much to Ruth's despair as she was eager to get home as she had found herself some poor young guy who ended up forking the bill for all of their drinks for the pleasure of joining them. Typical Zoe.

As Ruth's drink was put down in front of her the perfect solution had come to mind.

'Oh dear, I'm so clumsy sometimes!' Ruth uttered trying to hide the satisfaction of the alcoholic concoction being amply destroyed.

'I'll go and get you another' Zoe said grabbing her purse

'No its fine, I'll go you stay with your friend' She laughed as she was walking away at how easily Zoe managed to have men agreeing to her every whim.

At the bar Ruth ordered another drink, this time without the double Vodka. She was actually starting to not mind being out for a while with her colleagues, it was better than sitting at home alone wallowing over Jay.

As the drink were flowing, the others got more drunk and Ruth was finding it easier to avoid the alcoholic drinks. She could barely believe she had stayed out until 1am with the others especially when she was working at 8am but she was actually enjoying herself for once. Although all of her pleasure was tainted with the sad look on Jay's face, she had to speak to him, soon. His birthday was two weeks away and she wasn't sure if she could wait until then to tell him.

A horrific though entered Ruth's mind as she lay in bed once she arrived home, what if Jay didn't want her or the baby? What if it was going to ruin his birthday and depress him more? He would never understand her breaking up with him and then telling him that she was pregnant with his baby. If she was honest she never fully understood her actions herself, she just thought she was better to deal with this alone, as she had done before when she was 15.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Her Secret**

Chapter 3

The early shift was something which Ruth had always hated, even when she was an eager and keen F2, but it was so much worse with the cloud of morning sickness waiting to strike at any moment.

She could slowly start to feel herself be taken over by this cloud and she hated it.

'Rough night Dr Winters?' enquired Jeff nosily.

'Of course not, I had an early start today' She quickly responded.

'That's not what I heard, Dixie didn't get home until after two and a little birdie told me you stayed to the end and I have to say you look a little worse for wear.' He started to smirk, wondering how long it would be until she snapped, but to be honest she looked dreadful, and hung-over.

'That is really none of your damn business is it now?' She snapped before storming off in the opposite direction.

'Oh someone's a bit touchy this morning then' Jeff said to Big Mac and Noel who had been listening in, the three of them burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' Nick wanted to know whilst wondering why they were all standing around the reception desk.

'Dr Winters is a little bit worse for wear this morning, Mr Jordan...' answered Noel, whilst receiving glaring looks from the other two. Nick walked away looking more annoyed than when he arrived.

'What did you tell him that for?' Big Mac demanded.

'What? She is. She deserves to be knocked of her pedestal anyway after the way she has treated Jay. It's like she has crushed his soul, he isn't his usual happy self.' The group quickly dissolved realising that what Noel had said was in fact true however he shouldn't have told Mr Jordan about Ruth.

Meanwhile Ruth was in Resus when Mr Jordan walked in.

'Give me an update on this patient, now. Dr Winters' Lenny tried to jump in.

'Middle aged ma..' He was interrupted.

'I believe I said Dr Winters, so unless you have changed your name then leave my Resus NOW!' This sudden change of tone startled the group and Lenny didn't even argue, he just headed for the door, mumbling something under his breath.

'Now please continue Dr Winters, what's the latest..' Before he could finish his sentence Ruth was running over to the sink to be sick, the morning sickness had finally taken over.

'DR WINTERS, CLEAN YOURSELF UP AND THE GO STRAIGHT TO MY OFFICE!' Nick bellowed this across the Resus, loud enough for the rest of the ED to hear, she grabbed a paper towel for her face and shot away quickly, embarrassed.

How was she going to explain this? It was bad enough some of her colleagues thought she was unprofessional enough to come to work hung-over and now she has just been thrown out of Resus because she was vomiting. She could believe it. One thing she had always had control over was her body and now even that was going against her.

On her way to the toilet for some reason tears had started to role from her eyes and she was soon sobbing uncontrollably. This was so unlike her. She went running past Jay, who as soon as he saw her dropped what he was doing and went running after her.

'Ruth. Ruth. Wait up. What's wrong?' Jay shouted behind her, it killed him to see her this upset

'Just... Leave... Me... Alone...This... Is... All... Your... Fault' she sobbed before reaching the toilet and choosing to hide in here until she was sure that Tess would have dragged him away to shout at him for something or other.

Jay was in shock, how could her having a night out, having too much to drink and getting shouted at by Nick be his fault. There was something else going on but he just didn't know what.

Later that day when Ruth was in Nick's office waiting for him, she tried to think of a story to make this all OK. She was tempted to just allow him to think she was hung-over, it seemed better than admitting the truth at this point, she couldn't tell him before she told Jay.

'Ah Dr Winter's, I see you have made it here in one piece. Before you even say anything I heard about your wild night out and I am very disappointed in you. This is the sort of behaviour I expect from Zoe or Adam not you. I'm glad that you are getting out more but I don't expect it to have a negative effect on your work or the treatment of your patients. I have to say I am in utter shock but I'm sure as you know I have to put this down on your Permanent Record that you have had to be sent home from work due to being in an inebriated state'

'How dare you, I was not in any way drunk last night and I am also not hung-over this morning!'

'Oh save your excuses, I really couldn't care what you do at least you are appearing to have a life rather than being the cold hearted...'

'FOR YOUR INFORMATION I'M PREGNANT!' She had shouted it out before she could stop herself, there was no way she was going to sit there and be spoken to like that when she hadn't done anything wrong.

'What?' Nick seemed confused

'Oh my God' Ruth just sat there in a state of shock with her hand covering her mouth, how could she have told someone before Jay.

' Why haven't you said something before now? I have to say I am surprised Dr Winters I never thought I would see this day. Is that why Jay has had the long face for the last few weeks?'

'He doesn't know yet, I haven't told him yet' she whispered, almost as if she didn't want him to hear

'Why not?'

'I can deal with this myself, I have before and I will again' Her had then shot over her mouth again

'What do you mean you have before?' Nick seemed to be confused and Ruth realised there was no going back, she was going to have to tell him now

'When I was 15 I became pregnant, not intentionally, I wanted a better life for myself, I didn't just want to be another one of the girls from the estate, with 4 kids by the time I'm twenty so I decided I couldn't raise the baby myself' Tears started to role from her eyes as Nick passed her a tissue, starting to feel more uncomfortable

'Once the baby was born, my son Liam, I gave him to Aunt to look after. She was always where I would run to when things got too much at home and she had always longed for a baby of her own. I knew Liam would have a better life with her than he would with me. After all this happened I swore to myself that I would become the best I could for his sake and create something better so that one day I would see him again, that's which I shut everybody out, I just focused on studying and soon became one of the cleverest people in my school. Now I have been stupid enough to get into this situation again' She could hardly believe she was telling somebody thing, let alone Nick.

'But its different this time, you were only a child back then and you were all alone. Now you have Jay, who I am sure would be thrilled with the news and he would never leave you. As for your career, you are an amazing doctor and will go on to do great thing and you will have the backing of a family behind you. This is your decision and only you can decide whether to tell Jay but you really should have informed me sooner due to health and safety'

'I am so sorry for dropping all of this on you I should go' She had to get out of this room, she felt like the walls were closing in on her

'Not so fast, where do we go from here? You can't expect to go back to working normally, you have to take precautions now you have someone else to think about'

'I would appreciate if you could keep this to yourself for the moment as I would like to be the one to tell Jay, once I am ready therefore I would like my work situation to remain the same as I am pregnant not disabled. Thank you for your time Mr Jordan and I am sorry to have bothered you' Before he had the chance to respond she was up and out of the door and Nick had no choice but to go along with what she had said, even if he didn't agree with it, Ruth's barriers were well and truly up now and he knew that he was never going to be allowed in again.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Her Secret**

Again I just want to say a massive thank you to anyone who is reading! I have updated twice today due to the lack of update yesterday! Please leave me a review/comment to let me know what you think :)

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><p><span>Chapter 4<span>

Shopping was bad enough without having to shop for maternity clothes that looked discreet enough to hide her fast growing bump, what was she going to do. She had no idea where to even go for maternity clothes until she stumbled upon a small shop in a lane just off the high street. Each item she tried on seemed to emphasize 'the bump', Ruth's new name for the baby. She ended up leaving the shop without buying anything and was still wearing her leggings. That's when she decided to try on some normal clothes but in a bigger size, the jeans were not as comfortable, but what could she really expect one pair had a giant elastic waist band the other pair had a button and a zip that was going to be no contest, however she opted for the button and zips as they were more discreet.

Ruth then went into Primark and stocked up on t-shirts that were too big and oversized hoodies and cardigans, enough to keep her going for at least a month anyway. She also went to the kids wear section again and could not believe it when she bumped into Jess and Adam or all people. She tried to hide behind a mannequin but it didn't work.

'Oh Ruth hi how are you?' Jess enquired

'Oh emm yes I'm good thank you, yourselves?' Ruth thought the best technique would be to act as normal as possible in a hope they would go away soon.

'Yes, well you know surviving' Adam joked 'so is there something we don't know about?' Adam asked and tilted his head towards the small pink dress that Ruth was carrying in her hand, in two minds whether to buy it or not

'Oh this is for a... a... Friend' Oh God why did she say friend anything else would have sounded more convincing than her having a friend, let alone one with a baby

'Oh that nice, a baby girl then so what's her name?' Would Jessica stop asking questions at some point? Ruth's prayers had just been answered Adam's pager had just went off and as he called into the ED he realised that they were both needed

'I hate to drag you away from your shopping trip but there has been a major accident and we need all hands of deck, I'll go and get the car and you two can quickly pay for your items' Adam went running out of the door of the shop whilst the two woman found their way into a queue. The subject of the pink dress forgotten about, thankfully.

Once they arrived back at the ED patients had already started to arrive and they were seriously injured, then a call came in from Dixie and Jeff requesting a doctor on scene.

'Sorry guys, I'm out I have my hands full here, so that just leaves Ruth and Zoe, flip a coin or something' Adam walked away relieved, he hated going out after the accident with Heather. Ruth had two choice, pray that the coin would be on her side or come clean. Unfortunately it wasn't she called heads and it was tails. She had to go, having no idea of what the situation was. That's when Nick saw her kitted out and ready to go.

'What are you playing at Ruth? You can't go out there' Nick whispered quietly

'Why not? I am just as capable as anybody else and I have to go, you certainly can't' That was a cheap shot even for Ruth

'Ruth, sweetie, are you ready we have to go now?' Dixie called from the doors

'Sorry, I have to go' Nick stood there in shock, how could she care so little about the dangers she was putting herself in?

Once she arrived on scene, she realised what a mistake she had made. It was a burning building and the firemen needed someone to go inside as one of their men were trapped and needing urgent medical treatment.

'Dixie, you go the building and I'll stay out here, it looks like Jeff could do with a hand with his patient and also with me out here it will speed up the situation in the ED if people have already been assessed by a doctor.' Ruth barked out her commands and expected Dixie to get going like people usually do when she tells them

'Oh no sweetie, this one is all yours. The Fireman's foot is caught under a metal pole and he can't be moved until he is seen by a doctor' Dixie seemed confused Ruth was usually so keep to get into the thick of things with a patient. Something was different about her.

'Are you two going to stand around there the whole day, one of my mates in stuck in there terrified and in pain?' The Fireman shouted to them with a distressed look on his face

'Fine I'll go in' Ruth had no choice and she was determined to still do her job, at any cost.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p>

Again, the next chapter shall be up tomorrow, probably around the same time!


	5. Chapter 5

**Her Secret**

Chapter 5

What was she thinking entering a burning building, anything could happen but she couldn't back out now she had all the kit on. The oxygen tank wasn't doing her back any favours, those things are heavier than she thought, that alongside a medical kit she was carrying her own weight in equipment. This can't be doing "The Bump" any good. She hadn't realised at first but when she seen her reflection in a building opposite she seen how obvious her bump was with her clothes clinging to her from the heat of the fire. That's when Dixie call her over.

'Are you OK sweetie?' She enquired

'I have no idea what you are talking about, I am absolutely fine' Ruth responded in the most professional way possible without sounding like anything was actually wrong

'Well, you look a bit peaky for starters and I seen you throw up earlier at first I thought it was a hangover but then I realised that you never let anybody buy you a drink so we had no idea what you were actually drinking but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the double vodka's that Zoe bought you. Also you are a bit rounder in the middle, just stop me because I know this is none of my business but are you pregnant?' Dixie asked almost scared of the response

'Oh great so now I'm a fat drunk, that's really good to know what my colleagues think of me, now if you don't mind I have work to do!' Ruth stepped away almost annoyed it certainly wasn't any of her business but if she had told Dixie then she wouldn't be stepping into a burning building right now.

'What was all that about Princess? The Ice Queen looked like she was about to murder you, what did you say?' Jeff said half joking half looking for gossip, hoping to find out what was depressing Jay so much.

'Oh nothing Jeffery it was just about the patient, she didn't like me telling her how to do her job that's all' She hated lying to Jeff but she knew that with that response from Ruth that she had touched a nerve clarifying her believes Ruth was pregnant however she had more important things to worry about she had a scene to manage.

Little had Dixie realised that during her conversation with Ruth that Polly had been in the ambulance gathering some kit together and had overheard the whole thing. All that she could think of was how this was going to affect her and Jay or the relationship she wanted with him. He couldn't find out about this, with a baby there is no way she would ever have Jay.

Meanwhile the further into the building Ruth got the more she had regretted her decision she shouldn't be in here, no correction they shouldn't be in her, she would never forgive herself if something happened to "The Bump", the more Ruth thought about the more her eyes started to well up. At this precise moment that's when she knew she had to focus, do her job and get out of the building as quick as possible.

The man was in a worse state that she had anticipated, his leg was trapped under a pile of rubble and he was losing a lot of blood, she knew that he had to get out of here as soon as possible of there was no way he was going to survive. That's when, thankfully Dr Winter's kicked in, putting emotional Ruth to the back of her mind.

She had managed to isolate the source of the bleed and stop it without causing any damage to the leg and she had managed to get out the building safely. As she stood alongside one of the ambulances she hadn't realised it but tears were rolling down her face and getting faster. She hating being like this, she felt weak. Dixie could see the state that Ruth was in but was in two minds whether to see if she was OK or not for the fear of getting her head bitten off again.

'Ruth, are you OK? I know I asked you this earlier but you seem a little bit upset, I hope it wasn't because of what I said earlier' Dixie was worried this was ice cold Ruth she didn't cry, people often wondered if she even had tear ducts.

'I... I... Feel... So...'Ruth sobbed, yet she had no idea why she was crying. Dixie pulled her into a hug and was surprised when Ruth didn't push her away

'It's OK, you just let it out. I'm sure it's not that bad' The two woman just stood there for a few minutes until Dixie saw Jeff approaching and she gave him that look to say "don't make an inappropriate joke" but he did anyway.

'Oh someone call a doctor we have a defrosting Dr Winter's here, she is melting already, look at the puddle on Dixie uniform' He chuckled to himself but then realised that he was unleashing a beast

'I know you don't get why I'm so distant from people, but it's because of people like you that I am. All you seem to do is make other people miserable with your stupid jokes. You have no idea what it's like to be me and yet you find my life so funny' Ruth snapped, only stopping for a breath and then she continues 'Do you think I'm some sort of big joke? When I tried to kill myself was that funny to?'

She hadn't been able to stop herself, she was sick of the jokes, the mocking, the belittling. This is when Ruth made a decision for her baby, nobody was ever going to hurt her child, make it feel like it wasn't worth anything as people did to her. At that point she went to run but realised she had a patient to get to hospital so she climbed into the ambulance and let the tears continue to flow, there was only one thing she needed right now and that was Jay.

Jeff just stood there in shock he had no idea how to respond, she was way out of line in his eyes, he joked around with every it wasn't as if he was victimising her.

'Oh well done Jeffery, how about you swap with Pol, and we can take this guy in and you can stay here and treat the minor injuries and think about what you have just done. You could see the poor girl was upset and you had to make a stupid joke. I'll see you later. POLLY YOUR ARE SWAPPING WITH JEFF, LETS GO!' Dixie called over to her colleague, nobody disagreed with her and she started driving back to the hospital.

Ruth and Polly sat in the back of the ambulance in silence until Polly eventually said something

'So you and Jay? Is that over for good?' She enquired with a smug look on her face

'I really don't see how that is any of your business however its complicated' She simply answered, what was with this girl? What made her think she can ask about her and Jay? Ruth had no energy to argue with her so she just blanked her until she got back to the hospital.

Once they arrived back at the ED and had the fireman settled in Resus she went to the staff room to clear her head and clean herself up. When she walked in Jay was in there and for some reason even though she had no right she sat beside him.

'Hold me' She whispered with tears rolling down her face.

However he couldn't do this, he couldn't have his heart played like a musical instrument. One minute she was pushing him away the next she was coming to him in tears he could do this anymore. It hurt him so much. Whilst all of this was spinning around in his mind he hadn't noticed that his arm was around her and she had fallen asleep. He couldn't sit like this, pretending. She had hurt him too much. He pulled his arm away, waking her in the process and simply said 'I can't do this' and walked away. It killed him to do it but her knew that she would only hurt him again and he is still recovering from last time.

Ruth was in more of a state than ever she needed to get out of here and go home. She went up to Nick's office, she hadn't been in here since she had told him about her secret.

'I need to go home' She said with no emotion and walked away but he chased after her

'Ruth, wait what's wrong? Are you OK? Is it the baby?' He was almost tripping over his sentences, this was not the same head strong Ruth who he had seen a mere few hours ago, this woman appeared to have lost her soul.

'I need to go home' She repeated 'My shift finished hours ago but I came back in with Adam, I just thought I would let you know I'm leaving. Goodbye Nick'

'Ruth wait. What happened?' He couldn't let her walk away like this

'Jay doesn't want me, everybody here thinks I'm just one big joke and I was a mess today. I started to cry after I came out of that building, could I get any more unprofessional?' She would have been near tears again until she noticed what she had just said and it made her smile. She sounded like Chandler from Friends, a show she never used to watch until Jay had forced her to sit through a box set during one of her days off.

'Why are you smiling? Pregnant woman always astound me, you are crying one minute and smiling the next. Once a colleague of mines decided to write a paper on emotions during pregnancy, you should read it. His name is Lewis Taylor, I might have a copy lying around I'll have a look for you.'

'Thank you Mr Jordan that's very kind however I will be on my way now and once again I apologise' She couldn't believe that she had just done that again she had to get out this office

'You do realise you are allowed to show emotion at some point Ruth? Jay will come around, the baby will have just been a shock to him that's all. Just think how you felt when you first found out'

'I still haven't told him yet, I was going to. I reached out to him today and he just pushed me away, I should just leave him alone, he doesn't need me or this baby'

'Well how can you know what he wants if you haven't spoke to him' At that moment his pager went off 'I'm sorry Ruth I have to go, you go home and get some rest I will see you tomorrow, don't even think of going near Resus'

Ruth had one final stop to make before she could leave the hospital, she had to get her stuff out of her locker. She nipped into the staff room quickly as she through it was empty, she hadn't seen him sitting there.

'Ruth, we need to talk. I have something to tell you' His voice startled her, she hadn't noticed him sitting there.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Her Secret**

A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

*Italics are flashbacks*

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><p><span>Chapter 6<span>

She didn't say anything, she just sat there, listened and then got up and left. She had blocked out what he had said. Now she was really alone, well apart from "The Bump". The distressed doctor sat curled in a ball on the floor of her flat, tears streaming down her face, recalling the conversation from the previous day.

'_Ruth, we need to talk. I have something to tell you'_

'_Not now Jay, I'm tired and I just want to go home'_

'_If you don't hear this now you never will'_

'_What are you talking about Jay?_

'_I'm going away for a while, I need to clear my head. I am going to Thailand to visit Kelsey and stay there for a while, I got a placement in a small hospital in a village. I have cleared it with Tess and I will be gone for at least 6 months if not longer. I just can't stay here anymore. I'll be gone tomorrow'_

She hadn't said anything she just left, what was she supposed to say it was his choice.

Ruth remembered back to one night in her flat when they were talking about dreams that they each had, this was one of his, who was she to stop him. At that moment her train of thought was interrupted by her phone vibrating. She had a text.

Goodbye Ruth. I have never stopped loving you J xx

She had to speak to him so she dialled his number but it went straight to voicemail. She tried again and again for hours but it was too late she had lost him. He was flying around the world and now she was left here alone with a baby, his baby that he knew nothing about. She could help but think that wasn't fair, her surgical dreams ruined whilst he was swaggering around Thailand.

The next few days went by slowly until one morning she noticed a date in her Diary. Her first scan was today, she had completely forgot, she was meant to be working. She would just have to take her break then. There was no way she was missing this. For the first time in days Ruth practically ran to work today. She couldn't wait until 12:00pm when she would get to see her baby for the first time.

Nick wasn't in today so Zoe was in charge, she will just tell her she has a dentist appointment or something.

'Zoe, can I have a word?' Ruth asked politely

'What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?' Zoe barked back 'Sorry, it's not you. Just an awkward patient. Kids are always the worst. Anyway what did you want to say?'

'I have a dentist appointment today which I forgot to cancel so do you mind if I slip out for a while to go to it and also do you want me to have a look at the child, I can see you are busy?' She really needed the experience with kids, people always said it was different with your own but Ruth doubted that.

'Yeah that should be fine, I think we can cope without you for half an hour. What time is it at?' Zoe enquired, so she knew when not to page her 'Hold on I almost missed that, did you just offer to treat a child?'

'I have to leave at 11:45 and yes I need to learn to treat children at some point I can't avoid them my whole life and also you are really busy so I was just trying to help' Ruth smiled awkwardly

'You do realise I would have let you go to your appointment anyway' Zoe said with a cheeky grin 'But thanks she is in cubical 3 and has a broken arm. Oh and good luck!'

'DR WINTER'S PHONE FOR YOU' Noel bellowed across the ED, Ruth scurried across the reception

'Who is it?' Wanting to know before she would accept

'Someone from maternity, they said something about an appointment' Noel said innocently, Ruth realised that he must have been fishing for information in the time it had taken her to get to the phone

'Did they state the name of the patient? I haven't requested a consultation from Maternity today' Ruth had to get out of this somehow 'Actually give me the phone I will deal with it myself it will be quicker' She grabbed the phone

'This is Dr Winter's. Yes. Certainly. Thank you for informing me.' Ruth hung up and Noel looked at her

'A patient from last week had asked them to thank me for getting her seen so quickly' and to confirm my appointment, although the latter part was kept securely in her thought. She had no idea why she had just told Noel what the phone call was about but she did.

As the young doctor headed off to her appointment, she couldn't understand what she was feeling right now, it was a mixture of excitement and disappointment. She couldn't wait to see her baby but was also sad that Jay wasn't by her side. Then she had a thought that hadn't crossed her before now. Jay had left before his birthday therefore he never got the his birthday present from her. There had to be a way for her to get it to him, even in Thailand.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Her Secret**

A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 7<span>

Ruth just sat there in awe. It was her baby, the thing that was growing inside her. She was speechless.

'Would you like a copy?' The woman asked, she was a very friendly woman she could see that Ruth was obviously scared but had done her best to reassure her.

'Yes. Please. Actually can I have two copies? Ruth was struggling for words, she couldn't understand why she felt so emotional, it was almost as if she finally believed that this was happening and that in 5 months she would become a mother.

This moment did not last for long, it was interrupted by her pagers loud beeping sound. Duty calls.

Back down in the ED there was a bad case of food poisoning in a school and there were several children coming in.

'Ruth, remember how you said you had to learn to work with children? Well now is your prefect chance. 40 are on there was in from a local school, bad fish apparently.' Zoe almost had a smile on her face, the thought of Ruth and 40 children was amusing to her. At least she had some experience with Shanice but this was alien to Ruth.

'OK, I'll set up an area in cubicles' Ruth said with a slightly panicked look on her face. One kid with a broken arm she could handle but 40 kids, this is something she would struggle with.

As the kids slowly started to arrive, so did the worried parents. Ruth couldn't help but thinking that would be her in a few years worried about her own lovely, screaming, bundle of joy. With that thought she couldn't help but have another look at the her scan, she still couldn't believe that this was her baby. Icy Dr Winters with a baby.

After a very long shift Ruth couldn't wait to get home and put her feet, she had practically ran out of the door for the fear of being asked to do something else. This baby was really draining the energy from her. There was one thing playing on her mind. Jay's birthday present, she had to find a way to get it to him. The scan was a perfect fit for the frame, now all she needed was an address to send it to. There had to be a way.

As Ruth sat in her living room she pulled out her diary and opened. On the inside cover Ruth had 4 pictures. One of her and her mum before she killed herself, a picture of her and Jay in her living room, a baby scan of her first child and a picture of her with Liam just after he was born. Ruth added the scan which she got today to the collection and a slip of paper fell out her diary.

It was old, tatty and folded up. Ruth had no clue what it was, so she unfolded it. It was her Aunt's phone number, she hadn't even thought about calling her until this moment. She could stop herself, she felt so alone so she grabbed the phone and dialled the number.

They probably don't even live here anymore it had been 12 years since she had last spoke to her aunt. The someone answered the phone.

'Hello?' A young boy's voice came down the phone

'Em.. Hi.. May I speak to Ellen please?' Was it really him Ruth though, tears had started again, but she held them in. Ruth knew she had to be strong.

'May I ask who is calling?' The young boy enquired politely

'Ruth Winters'

'Mum, some called Ruth is on the phone for you' She could her in the back ground 'Give me the phone now, Liam'

'Ruthie, is this really you?' The woman enquired

'Emm... Yes... How are you?'

'Yes very well and yourself'

'Good thank you, I'm sorry I never got in touch before now but I couldn't . I never really thanked you properly for what you did for me, you actually gave me a chance in life' Ruth started to cry she could help herself.

'I can't really talk just now, can I meet you and talk in person?'

'If that would be more convenient for you. I work quite busy hours so I could be hard to pin down'

'Oh what are you doing with yourself now? Are you still living on the estate?'

'I'm a doctor at Holby City Emergency Department and I am living on the other side of town now, I left the Estate when I went to university and I have never been back. Also I don't get called Ruthie anymore it's just Ruth now'

'Oh Ruthie, I mean Ruth, I am so proud of you. Well what day are you free? We have to catch up' There was something different in her Aunt's voice, she had lost her old accent, she always used to sound so loving, almost mothering but now she sounds so distant.

'Well I am off next Tuesday so if you want to meet in town for lunch?'

'That would be lovely, around one? Does that suit you?'

'That should be fine, I will meet you at the fountain in the shopping centre. Can you do me a favour?'

'That's fine I'll see you then. What's the favour?'

'I know I have no right to ask this but could you possibly bring alone some pictures of Liam? I only have the scan and one just after he was born and I would love to see what he looks like now.'

'I don't see any harm in that. Anyway I will have to go for now but I will see you then.'

'Bye then' Ruth felt slightly deflated after her conversation, she didn't really know what to expect from the conversation but she had wanted more, she hadn't expected her Aunt to rush her away, she had always listened to her but not anymore.

Ruth knew that she would have to wait until next week to find out what has changed with her Aunt Ellen.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**Her Secret**

A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

This next chapter is quite pointless and isn't very good but it bridges the gap between the next part!

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><p><span>Chapter 8<span>

The following week flew by and Ruth still had no idea what she was going to say to her Aunt as to why she wanted to see her after 12 years.

She decided the first step was to find something nice to wear, the jeans and t shirts which didn't fit weren't going to do, it was bad enough her Aunt thought she still lived on the estate she certainly wasn't going to look like that as well. She would have to go shopping. Again.

Ruth found herself wandering around the same shop as the last time she went shopping and she still couldn't find anything. None of these clothes where her. She went back into the maternity clothes shop again and told herself that she now had no choice but to get some properly fitting clothes, the jeans from a few weeks where almost not fastening despite being too big on the legs and the t shirts were not doing her any favours either. They made her look like, well she didn't know what but she knew they weren't flattering.

Once again she tried on numerous items of clothing only to realise that her bump was even bigger now and that nothing was covering it now. The shop assistant could see Ruth's distress and thought it was time to step in.

'Is there anything in particular you are looking for? You must be about 4 or 5 months am I right?' The woman enquired with a big smile on her face. The only thought in Ruth's head at that moment was that this woman did not have a problem finding clothes, she had a flat stomach like Ruth's used to be.

'4 and a half months and yes I'm looking for something which does not scream "I'm Pregnant"' Ruth knew she had to give in clothes was not her thing and she really needed help!

'Oh most of the people are in here buying bump emphasising clothes from the moment they find out, even when they aren't showing'

'Well I don't want the world to know my business and also I still have to tell some people therefore I don't want anything too over the top. Do you have anything or not?' Ruth was getting impatient she hated it when people tried to drive into her personal life.

'Well you could try some of our dresses they are the most discreet and will show the least. I could go and get some which should suit you, if you would like?'

'Well Ok. I suppose I could try one or two, it's not really something I usually wear' Ruth agreed hesitantly

The shop assistant arrived a few minutes later with about 10 dresses in her had, most of which icy cold Dr Winters would never wear.

'Here is a few to get you started, try some on and let me have a look' She smiled eagerly as Ruth wearily took the item from her.

The first four had made her looked like a bride. Who decided that maternity dresses all had to look so feminine and all had to be white Ruth pondered as she tried the 5 one on. This wasn't too bad, it hid "The Bump" and it didn't make Ruth's skin look so washed out, like clothes usually did because she was so pale. At that point Ruth started to wonder about the baby, who would it look like? Would it have her piercing blue eyes or Jay's soft hazelnut brown eyes? Would it be as pasty as her or darker like Jay? She had endless question and knew that she wouldn't know the answer for months yet.

In the end Ruth ended up buying 3 dresses, two tops to wear with leggings and a pair of jeans. She opted for the comfy pair that she tried on a few weeks ago but refused to buy due to the waist band but today she could not resist after having a button cut into her painfully for the last week and a half. Ruth thought that would be enough to last her a few weeks or so until she had outgrown these clothes as well. This was another element of the pregnancy she wasn't enjoying.

Her next stop was to the post office, she needed parcel tape and a large padded envelop to post Jay's copy of the scan in the photo frame to him. She knew that this was not the best way to tell him but she knew he had a right to know. At that moment she wondered should she really send a scan half way around the world to him? Maybe she should open with a letter but even with that she still faced numerous problems, what would she say? How could she explain everything to him? Then there was the big problem she faced, the address. Where was she going to post the letter or the frame to? That's when Ruth thought of Tess, maybe she would know where he was.

The department had received a few postcards from Kelsey and there was an address on those and Jay was with her somewhere. All she needed to do now was get the address from Tess without having to answer too many questions. That won't be difficult at all Ruth thought to herself sarcastically on her way home satisfied with her purchases and the fact that she had managed to go shopping for the first time in ages without buying baby clothes.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Her Secret**

Sorry for the delay in posting! A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 9<span>

As she stood there waiting Ruth knew she had made a mistake getting in touch with her Aunt again after all this time. Maybe she wouldn't turn up, that would be easier for everybody, no questions to answer, nothing to explain.

'Ruthie?' An elderly woman approached Ruth, surely that couldn't be her Aunt, it had only been 12 years, she couldn't have aged that much in such a short time.

'Ruth, my name is Ruth now' She corrected

'Oh, yes sorry, Ruth, I will have to remember that. I bet you can hardly recognise me, I have aged a bit since 12 years ago but I suppose that's what kids do to you' She was laughing slightly at her own joke, whilst Ruth looked horrified. Would she look like that in 12 years? She would only be 39, that's not old but then again her Aunt must have been in her late fifties, if not older.

'I still recognise you, Aunt Ellen' Ruth said quietly, almost a whisper 'Shall we go and get something to eat just now?'

'Yes, then maybe later we can have a little wander around the town. I have a few bits and pieces to get whilst I'm here anyway'

As Ruth stood up, she could see her Aunt was looking at her stomach in a funny way. Was she just being paranoid? At the moment she felt like everyone was staring at her, she had put it down to the fact that every time she looked at "The Bump" she found herself staring so assumed that other people were as well.

'So Ruth, what's new with you? I know you are a doctor but are you married? Are there any little Ruth's?' Ellen asked encouragingly with a familiar warm smile which Ruth remembered from her childhood. Her Aunt was one of the few happy memories she had as a child.

''Yes, I'm a doctor at Holby City ED as I said on the phone. I am not married...' she stopped mid sentence she felt something inside her stomach, "The Bump" had just kicked for the first time. Ruth could hardly believe it, it felt so strong, almost painful, she just stood there with her had on her stomach saying nothing.

'Ruth, are you ok?'

'Emm.. Yes.. I'm fine thanks. That was just...'

'Was that the first time baby kicked? I could tell as soon as I saw you, that you were pregnant. I'm so happy that you have been given a second chance at motherhood after before. On that note here are the pictures you asked for. I brought along a few from when he was a toddler right up until last week.' Ruth took the small package gratefully and smiled at her Aunt

'How did you know?' Ruth asked

'Oh you look the same as you did last time. You never hid your middle very well then either' She laughed again, this time more awkward. 'Although its under better circumstances now, so how long have been together with your boyfriend?'

'We actually spilt up a few weeks ago and now he is in Thailand'

'He left you when you were pregnant? That's awful Ruth'

'No, he's not like that, he didn't know about the baby and I was the one who ended things with him. I hadn't told him yet and I was scared and thought it was better to push him away rather than to let him.'

'Well you really are a Winter's. You do realise that not every man is like your father or brother? They won't all hurt you?'

'Please don't talk about them, I have nothing to do with them anymore'

'I know, Jonathan told me' Ruth's face dropped

'You... You... still see him?' She was in shock, no one had seen or heard from her brother for months, he normally called Ruth every so often when he needed money but she hadn't heard from him since the last time when she told him she wouldn't fund his habit anymore and he had trashed her flat.

'He is different now you know, he is clean now. He hasn't taken anything for months. He comes over every week for dinner and gets on great with Liam as well'

'I didn't know that. I haven't seen him since he trashed my flat'

'Yes he told me that as well. He would like to see you, he talks about you a lot and is very proud of you becoming a doctor'

'I thought you thought I still lived on the estate?' Ruth was confused now, what did she know?

'I lied, Jonathan had told me that you wanted nothing to do with him and I thought if you thought I was part of his life you wouldn't want to see me'

'I'm sorry, I have to go.' Ruth didn't want anybody in her life who had anything to do with Jonathan

'Ruth, please wait. Why don't you come back to my house for a while, you can meet Liam?'

'Are you serious? You think I want to see him? Did you think that's why I got back in touch?' Ruth was getting angry now, she wasn't ready for all of this now, she needed time to think.

'Well I was wondering why but I assumed he had something to do with it. He knows I'm not his real mother. I told him last week after you called. I thought you have decided that you wanted to be part of his life so I decided that he should know the truth' Her Aunt was still smiling, what was wrong with this woman? Liam was her son, that's what they had decided when he was born.

'He... He... Knows?' Ruth started to sob. 'You know I never wanted him to find out, how must he feel just now to know that his mother has taken 12 years to take an interest in him?'

'He is a lovely boy, it was quite a shock to him but he said he would like to meet you. He is very understanding, I explained about you being young and very clever and that you just wanted the best for him. He also understood more with the fact of who your father is'

'Dad has met him? Could this get any worse?'

'Not intentionally, your father came to my door one day, apologising. He was drunk and he hit me. Liam saw it all and I had to explain that was his uncle and that he wasn't a very nice man'

'Understatement of the year there' Ruth snorted, she really didn't want herself to get involved in all of this drama again. This was why she had always kept herself to herself, that way there was no one to hurt her.

'I really have to go now, I need time to think. I will call you later. This is too much to take in. Thank you again for the photos, I really appreciate them' Ruth had to get out of there, she had enough going on with Jay and "The Bump" without her dad and Jonathan making an appearance in her life.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Her Secret**

A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 10<span>

How could so much of her past come back to get her at once? All she had wanted was, well she didn't exactly know that but she knew that it wasn't this.

Ruth had taken up her new favourite spot on the floor next to her sofa. She preferred to sit on the floor because when Jay had fallen asleep on her sofa she would get out her text books and sit on the floor to study so she wouldn't wake him and it had just stuck with her. At that moment Ruth's thoughts were interrupted by her pager going off, that thing never gave her peace. She knew she had to call in to find out what the problem was.

'Hi Noel, its Dr Winters. I was just paged, what am I needed for?' She didn't really want to go in but if it was an emergency she would.

'Hold on I'll put Adam on the phone' That's great, a receptionist who could not pass on a message, what next a doctor who cannot treat patients Ruth thought bitterly, she hated being kept waiting.

'Ruth, we need you to come in right away, its urgent. When you get here come and find me right away OK?' Although it was phrased like a question, Ruth knew not to argue

'OK I'm leaving now, I'll be about 10 minutes.'

'OK bye' It must be a major accident she thought to herself otherwise he would have provided her with some explanation on the phone

What kind of emergency could they really not deal with without her? It had better be something important though, she was having a bad enough day as it was. Only a few hours ago had she found out that the rest of her family had met her son, who she hadn't seen in 12 years, the last thing she had really wanted to do was be dragged to work over something trivial.

Ruth shook herself, now was not the time for this. She needed to be focused on work. God knows what kind of situation she was walking into.

As she approached the ED there was not masses of ambulances as she had expected and the reception resembled that of any other day. What was the big emergency? At that moment she found Noel standing in front of her.

'What are you doing? Let me past please' She told Noel, who looked slightly terrified

'Adam told me that I was to send you straight to the staff room and that I was to go and get him'

'Are you joking? I was paged in on my day off to sit in the staff room until Adam had time to speak to me! I am not going anywhere until someone tells me what is going on!' Ruth found her voice slightly raised for no reason but she wasn't about to just stand here, she didn't want to be here in the first place.

'I'll get Adam' Noel stuttered and scurried away

'Ruth, my office now' Adam called from the doors of Resus

'But...'

'Don't argue just go there now! I'll be up in a minute'

All that Ruth could think was what had she done? She had been called in on her day off to be shouted at, that was the last thing she needed. She felt like she was about to burst into tears again but she knew she had to hold it together and find out what he wanted.

'Ruth, before you say anything listen to what I have to say. OK?'

'Fine, but will you hurry up and tell me what this is about!' She responded sharply, hating being left in the dark

'A woman was admitted earlier, Ellen Winters, she says she is your aunt and that we were to call you immediately. She is in a bad way and we are doing our best but it is not looking good. She was picking up her son from school and she was hit by a car' Tears started to stream down Ruth's face 'the paramedics did all they could at the scene and brought her here. We have made her comfortable and dealt with her injuries. However that is not the main concern at the moment. We have discovered she has terminal cancer. I am so sorry Ruth'

'I don't understand, I seen her today and she was fine. She would have told me if she had cancer. How long has she got? How's Liam, her son? Is he OK?'

'She was not aware of the condition until today and she does not have long, a few days at most. It has spread from her lungs into her kidneys and then into her bones. We have suggested that she gets her affairs in order and that is when she told us to call you. She asked that I told you all of this and then took you to see her. Liam is OK, he was unharmed physically but was a bit shook up. I will take you to see her now' Ruth began to shake her head

'No... No... I... I... can't' She was sobbing now and shaking uncontrollably

'Ruth you have to be strong for her. She wants to see you therefore I will not allow you to sit here until you do so' Adam's authoritarian approach surprised Ruth, he was usually so nice. She complied with his demands and followed him down to Resus.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**Her Secret**

A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 11<span>

Nothing could have prepare Ruth for what she was about to see, it doesn't matter how many times she had treated patients with similar injuries this was different. This was her Aunt Ellen, the woman who had always been there for her when she needed help, now it was her turn to step up.

As she walked in Yuki was at her bedside alongside a young boy. Liam.

'Ruth you came! I am so sorry to bother you but did the other doctor speak to you? There must be some mistake, something you can do? Isn't there Ruthie?' Her aunt wasn't asking her she was pleading with her.

'I spoke to Dr Trueman and he told me about your condition. There is nothing they can do except make you more comfortable in the last... few..' Ruth couldn't fight the tears or finish her sentence

'Oh Ruth, please don't cry. I thought you might say that anyway. I need you to do something for me'

'Dr Reid, can you give us some space?' Yuki looked almost terrified and could barely string a sentence together

'I... I... Have to finish putting in this line' He stuttered

'It's OK, I'll finish that can you please lea..' Ruth didn't get a chance to finish her sentence because she was interrupted by her Aunt

'Take Liam with you, I need to speak to Ruthie alone!' Yuki just stood there unsure of what to do, should he finish what he was told to do by Dr Trueman or leave as Dr Winters and the patient had requested? His decision was made for him.

'GET OUT OF HERE NOW! IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU? GO NOW!' Yuki went scurrying out of the Resus door with a young boy following, he could only assume that was Liam

'I am sorry about that but he does not seem to listen, what did you want to talk to me about?'

'Liam. I want you to talk to him and tell him what is going on'

'You must be joking, I have not seen him in 12 years and now you want me to tell him that his mother is dying?'

'I'm not his mother, you are Ruth and it is time you stepped up. I can no longer look after him so it is time you do. When I'm gone I want you to care for him, be the mother I know you can be. He already knows that you are his biological mother and he knows why you left. It is time for you to step up Ruthie'

'I can't... can't do that I'm sorry. There must be someone else, friends of yours or something? A family he could live with?'

'It is just me and him, I never had many people close to me. Either you take him or he will go into foster care until a home is found for him.'

'You can't expect him to be ok living with a stranger? I am useless with children, I am just getting used to the fact that I am having a baby never mind a 12 year old. There must be someone, anyone?'

'You are not a stranger Ruth, you are his mother and if you do not do this you will regret it for the rest of your life. The only alternative is that I call your brother as I will not have him put into foster care when he has a family around him'

'There is no way my good for nothing brother is having anything to do with Liam! I will have to figure this out. I need some air, I'll be back in a minute'

'OK, if you see Liam on your way send him into me and when you get back we can talk to him together, make this easier for him'

How could this be happening? Ruth Winters did not get attached to people, why did she have to make that phone call? There was no reason for it and now look at the situation she had got herself into.

Ruth knew that she had no choice but to step up, there was no way her son was going to grow up with Jonathan as part of his life. She just needed some space for a few moments. Fresh air would help her to deal with this.

Fresh air was what she wanted but as soon as she left the hospital all she got was cigarette smoke in her face. She started thinking back to when you could walk outside a door and smell more than tobacco.

That's when she saw Him. He was back.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

**Her Secret**

A big thank you to all who have read this so far :)

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 12<span>

He couldn't see her like this, she hadn't told him about the baby and no matter how much she tried to kid herself it was blatantly obvious to everyone. She had to get away from here, away from him.

She had to do the only thing she knew how to do in awkward situations, run. As she was running away she could hear him calling out her name, asking her to stop, almost pleading with her but she couldn't stop her legs from moving.

'Ruth, come on babe, you know I can't out run you! Please stop I have to talk to you' Ruth could hear the desperation in his voice and knew she couldn't keen on running

'You have 2 minutes, I need to sort some stuff out' She could see his looking at "The Bump" and there was a confused look on his face.

'What...How...Is...It...Am...I' He couldn't speak

'I'm pregnant, I think you know how it happened you are a nurse after all, and are you really going to ask if this baby is yours? Do you actually want an answer to that?'

'I... I'm sorry. When? How long have you known?' This was such a shock to him he could barely string a sentence together

'I am 5 months gone, I have known for a while since before you left, before we broke up' She could feel the tears again, she hated being so emotional

'Then why...' Ruth cut in she had to explain

'I didn't think you would want to know, I didn't know what I was going to do so I thought I was better on my own. I tried to tell you in the staff room the night before you left and again just after you sent the text telling me you loved me, I spent the rest of that night trying to call you praying you would pick up the phone but you didn't' Ruth almost sobbing now as Jay puts his arms around her pulling her into a big embrace

'I am so sorry, you're the reason I came back, I knew you still had feelings for me after you tried to come to me but I selfishly pushed you away and ran off. Shhhh, come on now there's no need to cry, it will all be ok' This made her cry more, she was going to have to tell him everything, including Liam.

'There is so much which has happened since you left, Jay... There... is... so... much...I' Ruth could barely get her sentence out and was shaking with emotion, it was all too much for her. Jay being back, the baby, Ellen near death, Liam, her family. She wished she had kept on running now.

'Later. We can talk later. You need to rest now' Jay tried to soothe her and calm her down.

'I have to go back inside I...' This time Jay cut her off

'You can't work in this state you need to go home'

'Jay, you don't understand, my Aunt is in there dying'

'Oh Ruth, I don't know what to say...' Neither was going to let the other finish a sentence, they both had so much to say

'I need to be there and I need to talk to my son'

'What? What are you talking about Ruth? Are you having a boy? That's great news' Jay wanted to smile but he knew this wasn't the right time

'No, well I don't know what I'm having but that's what I'm trying to tell you, I have a son, he is twelve years old'

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

**Her Secret**

Again I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment and read this, they all mean so much to me!

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><p><span>Chapter 13<span>

'You have a son already? Did you never think to mention this in the time we were together?' Ruth was in shock at Jay's reaction, how could he be so angry at her?

'It was a long time ago, I wasn't in touch with my aunt who was taking care of him until a few weeks ago and now I found out today that she is dying and she wants me to take care of him after she is gone'

'A long time ago? Are you for real? Come on Ruth, do you know what it's like to have a parent abandon you?'

'I think I have an idea, my mother killed herself and my dad couldn't give a toss about me so is it any wonder I didn't want to bring my son up in that environment . My aunt was always good to me and she offered to take care of him for me and...' Once again she was cut off

'Just stop, I need time to think. First of all I find out you are pregnant and you didn't tell me. Then that you already have a child, what other secrets are you hiding? Anything else you want to tell me whilst we are here?' Jay was almost shouting at her and this was a side of him that she had never seen before, it almost scared her

'Jay please, stop shouting at me, your scaring me Jay, just calm down. We need to talk properly but not here, not now. I have other things on my mind right now'

'Look, I'm sorry you don't need this right now, come on let's get you back to your aunt' Jay now had a smile on his face but Ruth could see that this was one of his forced smiles, only there to save face.

'Jay, don't pretend this will all be OK, it's a mess. My mess.' She started to walk away from him, back into the hospital when she felt him grab onto her arm 'What are you doing?'

'Don't push me out now Ruth. I love you and you are having my baby, let me help you, please' His eyes were welling up, he could see how much she was going to need him and wanted to make sure she knew he was going to be there for her.

She could see the emotion in his face and she knew that he was right she needed help, she went into her bag and pulled out the keys to her flat.

'Take your bags and wait at my flat, I'll be there soon I just have to talk to my aunt and speak to Liam. I know you want to help but this is something which I have to do myself, this in my mess and I have to sort it out myself'

'If you are sure, do you not want me to stay?

'No' This was said in an almost cold tone, she just wanted to be left alone to sort this out

'How is she doing? How's her stats?' She was back to being Dr Winters, not emotional Ruth

'She is stable for now, we are moving her upstairs soon, her son is in the staff room, waiting for you'

'Thanks Adam, I'll be in soon'

As she walked into the staff room she knew she had to let Jay in, she was really going to need his help, she was awful with children never mind her own son. She could see Liam sitting there, legs curled up to his chest, this reminded her of herself, that's what she always did when she was upset. She had to do something to at least make him feel a little bit better.

'Hey, how are you holding up? I know this is scary for you but it might help to talk to someone, even if that isn't me' He just looked at her, as if she was staring through her.

'I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you, I know mu...' He didn't know what to call Ellen or Ruth, this was too confusing for him

'She will always be your mum, you know that' She could see he was struggling with all of this, what twelve year old wouldn't be?

'But she isn't you are, why did you leave me? Mum told me something about your dad not being a nice man but at least you had a dad I have never known mines!' He was shouting at her now and tears were streaming down his face.

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><p>Thanks for reading! Please comment good or bad.<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 14<span>

'I don't know what you want me to say? I think we should go and see your mum now, she will be worried' Ruth perched herself on the side of the sofa in the staff room not wanting to get to close

'I want to know why? Are you going to give this baby as well?' Liam gestures towards Ruth round swollen stomach

'I... I... I wanted you to have a better life, I wasn't much older that you are now! This baby is different I have a good job and a place to live...' She was interrupted

'What's going to happen to me? When mum is gon...' He couldn't finish his sentence

'That's what we are going to talk about now if you would just come and see your mum' Ruth moved closer towards the upset boy and put her arm around him and he made no attempt to push her away 'There, there Liam' Ruth couldn't help but smile to herself he was opening up to her by allowing her to comfort him.

'Liam, can we go and see your mum now?'

As Ruth walks through the hospital she feels Liam's hand grab onto hers and clutch it tight. She decided that it was a good sign, that he was beginning to trust her.

They walked into Resus together, hand in hand to be greeted with the sound of several machines beeping, Ruth dropped Liam's hand and ran towards the bed.

'CAN I GET SOME HELP IN HERE?' she screamed at the top of her voice

Whilst she was doing this her doctor brain took over, remove pillow, drop head, start chest compressions.

'How long has she been down?' Adam came running into Resus followed by Yuki and Charlie

'I got here about a minute ago, I don't know how long before that! Why was no one in here with her? Why was she left alone?' She was getting herself worked up and she knew that was no good for anyone, she had to be strong for both her kids.

'I'll take over now' Adam pushed his way in front of Ruth and took over 'Why don't you wait outside?'

'I'm fine here, should you not be shocking her?'

'Ruth, please let me do my job why don't you take him outside?' Adam was gesturing towards Liam who was standing near the door with a face as white as a sheet, Ruth walked up to him and ushered him out of the door

'What are they doing to her? Is she dead?' Liam was emotionless as he spoke, he just stood at the door staring through the window to Resus watching the teams every move, everything they were doing to his mother.

'They are... they are doing their best to help her' On the exterior she was as calm as every however inside she was an emotional wreak.

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 15<span>

The next few hours whizzed by, people coming and going, giving sympathetic looks and pitiful comments. Yes her aunt had died, yes she now had a child to look after but she was still the same person. People who had never acknowledge her before were suddenly trying to be her best friend, offering her cups of tea and a kind word. This was not what she wanted, she wanted to get home and speak to Jay. As selfish as this sounds she wasn't in touch with Ellen until a few weeks ago and if she hadn't been upset one night she would never have called her and now she was stuck in the middle of a load of drama. She knew this wasn't about her now, she knew she had to be strong for Liam, he had to be her main priority now.

Once Liam was satisfied that his mother was actually gone, they left the hospital and took a taxi back to her flat, when they arrived she had forgot that Jay was sitting waiting on her to talk, she couldn't deal with this just now.

'Hi, you took your time! I hope you don't mind but I ordered a pizza, there is some in the kitchen for...' He stopped mid-sentence when he saw Liam and Ruth standing in the doorway with puffy eyes, from crying 'oh babe, come here. I'm so sorry, I didn't know'

'Why would you know?' her voice almost had an emptiness in it 'Liam, follow me, you can sleep in my bedroom tonight. We can go and get some of your stuff in the morning. Maybe Jay could lend you something to wear for tonight' She looked at Jay encouragingly almost as if she wasn't asking but was in fact telling him

'I don't want your bedroom and I don't want your clothes' the latter was directed at Jay 'I want my own house, my own bed and my REAL mum!' He began to run towards the front door in a bid to get away from Ruth and Jay.

'Liam, come on' Ruth got lucky in the fact that the lock on her front door was stubborn and had a knack to get it to open, when Ruth got to the door she saw Liam in a bundle on the floor, sobbing to himself. She sat down next to him and just held him. They stayed in the position, for what felt like hours, until he fell asleep on the floor, nestled into Ruth.

'Jay, Jay' Ruth whispered as loud as she could, but was careful not to be too loud to wake Liam.

'Hey, what is it?' When he saw Liam, he knew why Ruth had called him and he bent down and picked him up and carried him to Ruth's bedroom.

Once back in the living room, Ruth and Jay settled on the sofa and Ruth let out a large sigh

'What a day!'

'Yeah, you can say that again! So anymore kids I don't know about?' There was anger in his voice when he asked this

'I had my reasons for not telling you about Liam, you have to understand that'

'And this baby' He gestures towards 'The Bump' 'Why did you not thing to mention this to me?' She broke down in tears and began to sob uncontrollably, today had been too much for her!

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 16<span>

It had to have been the worst 24 hours in her life for a long time, she had been flung into motherhood and was now responsible for another person. She was pregnant but that was different, Liam was a real live, living breathing person.

She had just spent the most uncomfortable night she had experienced on the sofa, she left Liam to sleep in her bed and she took the sofa. To be fair she didn't get much sleep, her and Jay spent most of the night going round in circles, talking about the same things over and over again. They had decided to call it a night when they realised that they would never agree on anything when Jay was jet lagged and Ruth was exhausted. She did feel sorry for Jay though, he ended up having to sleep on the floor with only a cushion and a blanket to keep him warm.

To top her 24 hours off she now had her head down a toilet, once again suffering from morning sickness. She was attempting to be as quiet as possible so she didn't make a fuss, she knew Jay would only worry.

As difficult this was for her, Jay was in shock, as much as he loves kids he was different with Liam, last night he was reluctant to get close to him which had surprised Ruth. He was usually such a natural with kids yet he made no effort with Liam, this was another issue they were going to have to talk about. Liam was part of Ruth's life now, whether she had accepted that fully or not, Jay was going to have to accept that. Her line of thought was interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door.

'Babe, are you OK? I could hear you from the living room, would you like some water or something?'

'No, I'm fine, I'll be out in a minute. We need to talk seriously Jay before Liam gets up'

'I know, I feel bad about last nig...' His sentence was cut off mid way through

'Jay, can you give me a few minutes? I don't really want to have this conversation with a door between us'

'OK, I'll go and make some coffee." He paused by the door for a moment 'You're not still drinking coffee are you?'

'Yes I am but only decaf, I think there is some ordinary in the cupboard though'

Ruth emerged from the bathroom 5 minutes later looking noticeably paler and withdrawn.

'Are you sure your OK?' Jay had a concerned look on his face, he hated the thought of Ruth suffering

'No offence Jay but I have dealt with this on my own up until now!' She could help snapping at him, all she wanted just now was a slice of dry toast and a black coffee to suppress her nausea and 5 minutes of peace and quiet!

'Well whose fault is that? I sat on this very sofa with you when you ended our relationship because you were pregnant! Don't make out that it was my fault that you were alone!'

'Jay, I can't do this today, I have Liam to sort out today. We do need to sit down and talk but not now'

'Well that's just great Ruth, once again I am flung to the side and put on the scrapheap because something is more important than me! You are supposed to love me Ruth, that's what you told me but you can't just keep ignoring me!' Jay was reaching for his jacket and heading towards the door, he had to get away from this flat, he felt claustrophobic however once again the latch on Ruth's door stopped Jay leaving.

'That's just great, you are jealous of a 12 year old boy who's mother just died! Are you really going to walking out of here?'

'First of all YOU are his mother! Secondly you don't get it Ruth, I am Liam! Both my parents abandoned me and my Nan had to raise me, I am not jealous of him because I know what he is going through and I don't want to be part of that! I don't want to be another person forced into his life who might not always be around! We can't sit in the same room as each other without it resulting in us screaming at each other and I don't want to be a person inflicting that on that poor little boy when we once again break up!' Jay had tears in his eyes as he was spilling all of this out, everyone had always assumed he had the perfect childhood when in reality he always blamed himself for his parents abandoning him, even though he was only a small child when it happened.

'Oh Jay, I didn't have a choice, you have met my brother you can see why I didn't want to raise a child in that, I wanted him to have a better life'

'Oh, poor little Ruth! You made a mistake in your life and then did what you do best, run' Jay's face was now turning bright red with anger

'A mistake? Is that what you think he was?' Ruth could hardly stand at what Jay had just said to her 'you have no idea of how I became pregnant or why!'

'Well come on then Ruth tell me so I have an idea!'

'Jonathan swapped me for drugs... when... when I was 15 years old' Ruth slid down against the wall and was shaking with a mixture of hurt, anger and emotion.

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

**Her Secret**

This bit is really short but it is only a bridge between the next part and they didn't make sense joined together! Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

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><p><span>Chapter 17<span>

Jay could hardly comprehend what he had just heard, he know Jonathan was a... Well there wasn't really an appropriate word for someone who would trade their sister for a fix. When Jay thought of his own sister this made his spine shiver, it was such a cold thought.

He spent the rest of breakfast as quiet as a mouse, if he was honest he didn't know what to say to her, he knew she had a difficult life and he hated to question her on it but he had to find out why she would give away her own child and never see him again? This was bizarre to him, more so know that Ruth was pregnant.

This was something else which she done which was bizarre to him. She found out she was pregnant, ended their relationship and let him fly half way around the world none the wiser! Why did she do that? What if he hadn't left, when would she have told him then? He knew that now wasn't the time to ask, that he would have to buy his time until Liam was settled, if that was ever.

The connection between Ruth and Liam was something which seemed to be forming in both of them, Liam appears to understand that Ruth was young and she wanted a better life for him and appreciates the fact that he had a good life with his 'mum'. Jay admired this quality in Liam, he was a very wise young boy. Ruth seemed to be embracing her mothering role, sort of.

Jay was surprised if he was honest to see Ruth be so calm and collected about the whole situation. She was doing her best to make Liam feel welcome and at home. Pity Jay hadn't done the same for the boy, he was ashamed of how he has acted since he had been back, Ruth needed him and all he could do was act like a pathetic little child, not in his usual cute way either.

At this very moment Jay decided that he needed to sort this whole thing out, starting with talking to Ruth.

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

**Her Secret**

I am just going to say sorry now, you are not going to like the next chapter! Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 18<span>

How do you even begin an apology like this? He knew that the way he had acted was appalling and then he needed to make up for this, he just needed to find a way to talk to her without it ending in another blazing row! He also knew that he was going to have a lot of making up to do to a very scared little boy, his behaviour towards Liam was what ashamed him most. He should have made that boy welcome rather than just ignoring him.

Jay decided that he was better to begin making amends with Ruth, regain her trust and then Liam next, he had the picture of them one day being a little family, with the baby, living in a little house with a big garden and a dog. The baby, this was someone else who he had ignored, he hasn't really even asked Ruth how the pregnancy is going, he just blocked it out. He was still in shock about that if he was honest.

The best course of action would be to speak to Tess about starting back at work, both him and Ruth sitting in the flat all day wasn't doing either of them any good, he decided to go in first thing in the morning to see her and ask about starting back. The second step in his plan was to go out with Ruth and sit down and speak to her about everything and explaining that he was more upset than angry. This could be more difficult than he anticipated as he wanted to have this conversation out with the flat, on neutral ground but where would Liam go? Maybe this wasn't the best plan after all, maybe a meal for all 3, well 4, of them would be more appropriate to show that he did want to make an effort with Liam. Also finding somewhere to live was going to be another challenge, he knew that until him and Ruth had sorted things out it wasn't right for him to be living there, if he could call a pillow and blanket on the floor as living somewhere.

All of his thoughts were muddled and he knew that he was confusing himself more therefore he decided to call it a night and attempt to get some sleep, if that was possible on a solid wooden floor. Why did Ruth have to have proper wood and not the cheap stuff that was bouncy? This was the last thought which entered his mind before his eyes became impossible to remain open.

He was awoken the following morning to the gentle sound of Ruth singing along to the radio in the kitchen, Liam was nowhere in sight therefore this could be his chance to at least make a start on building bridges with the love of his life.

He knew that introduction not necessary and he decided to get straight to the point  
>'I'm sorry for the way I have acted. Can we sit down and talk?'<p>

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	19. Chapter 19

**Her Secret**

I am just going to say sorry now, you are not going to like the next chapter! Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 19<span>

That had gone better than anticipated, he hadn't went in with any expectations or wanting anything from her but the simple fact that they had managed to sort out a time to go out together and talk was a start. He knew that it was still going to be a long road from here as they had both hurt each other.

At least that was one thing he could tick of his list, the next was getting his job back. Tess was going to kill him for leaving and returning so quickly. It had to be done he had a baby to look after and that couldn't be done without a job.

A few hours later, after he had a chance to think of a reason for being home early, he set of to the ED with some of the cheap holiday junk in his rucksack as a peace offering to his friends and as a slight blackmail to Tess, although he really didn't think this would work.

As he walked through the doors of the ED it felt strange and almost alien to him, it had only been a few weeks since he left but that felt like an eternity ago. The department was very quiet for an afternoon, by this time usually the waiting time was anything up to 3 hours and there would be at least one person in Resus but not today. The further into the ED he got the stranger it felt, he gave the odd wave to a couple of nurses but was yet to find Tess, Charlie, Noel, Big Mac or even Adam this was exceptionally strange, where were they all?

He then spotted Zoe running from the staff room towards the doors to greet an incoming trolley, this is when the rest of the team emerged all with a grief stricken look upon their faces as they looked down at the lifeless figure being rushed in. Who was it that was causing so much of a commotion? It must be someone they all knew, he decided to take a closer look and saw a mass of brown hair sweeping across the patient, she has not obvious signs of injury, no cuts or bruises. The patient was however clutching her stomach in a protective manner, as if she was...

'Oh God no' he raced towards the bedside but was stopped by someone tugging him from behind, they were screaming him name but he couldn't hear him, there must be a mistake, he had saw the wrong person, there was no way that was her.

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 20<span>

Her day had started in a strange way, Jay wanted to talk to her but she couldn't do that now, she had so much to arrange and organise for her aunt Ellen's funeral. She was the only one who could do it well Jonathan could but that would just be a bad idea, he would probably use any money for drugs but she knew that she did have to call him at some point as he must have been close to their aunt. As much as she didn't want him in her life she knew she couldn't not tell him about Ellen being dead, that was just plain wrong. That was now on her ever expanding to do list.

She had decided to take Liam up to his house today to get some stuff, she had no idea how she was going to sort this mess out, should she sell the house or keep it? Should they live there or at her flat, which was becoming less practical as the days went by? That was another thing on her to do list, to sort out the flat. If they are going to stay there she was going to move all the baby stuff into her room and give Liam the 'spare' room. Ruth pondered back to a time when her 'spare' room was exactly that, she has gone from living alone to being pregnant with a 12 year old sleeping in her bed and a 28 year old sleeping on her living room floor! This is when she realise what a mess her life had actually become. This is why she preferred to focus on her career at least only she could mess that up.

As her and Liam set off silently towards his house Ruth suddenly had a million questions for him, a sudden urge to know every little detail of his short 12 years, most mothers would have had the chance to witness all the little thing happening but she missed out because she wasn't there, this was the first time she really regretted her decision to give him up. She had a son who she knew nothing about. Tears began to form as she prayed for them not to fall.

'Ruth, can I ask you something?' Liam seemed in an awfully good mood today which Ruth found strange, it had only been a few days since Ellen had died

'Sure, what is it?' She tried to match is chipper tone but failed miserably!

'Why did you never visit me or mum when I was younger?'

'I... I.. I honestly don't have a good reason for it, it was easier to stay away.' Tears began to fall slowly dripping down her face 'I never really wanted to give you up, but I wanted a better life for you, one that I could never have given you at 15 and I knew that Ellen would take care of you the way she looked after me after my mum died.' She wasn't sure if she should have told him that or not but she knew that she didn't want to lie to him anymore.

'And my mum took you in, after she died?'

'No, I stayed with my dad and Jonathan, but I think you have met my dad and he isn't a nice man so when it got too much there I would go to Ellen's and she would make me feel like I had a normal family, even if it was just for a day or two. You mum was an amazing woman, she loved looking after people'

'She liked to take care of me and I suppose in some ways I'm lucky' he smiled when he said this, this confused Ruth how could he be so happy?

'How so?'

'Well when other kids parents are gone, they either have to live with a weird family member or are put into care where as I have another mum'

'You know I'm not trying to replace her don't you? I never want you to forget her, she has raised you so well, you have such a very wise head on those young shoulders'

'Thanks, you know I want to be a doctor one day, my mum always said it was in my blood and I never understood what she meant until now'

'That's great, I can't believe you want to be a doctor as well' Ruth felt a burst of pride for no reason, her son a doctor, like her, she couldn't help but smile but then she felt an instant pang of guilt.

Suddenly there was a loud bang from behind where they had now stopped on the pavement to talk, this startled the pair and Ruth had to turn round to investigate which is when she saw a car wreck and I pedestrian lying on the road, she had to go and help. Instantly Dr Winters was back and she was on the ground beside the pedestrian.

'Liam, I need you to find my phone in my bag and pass it straight to me, I need to help these people' As Liam fumbled in Ruth's handbag she began to assess the damage to the casualties and was working out who to treat first when her chain of thought was interrupted.

'Got it' Liam handed her the phone and she instantly dialled 999

"Ambulance please, two casualties, a doctor is on the scene! A fire crew will also be required, do you have an ETA? Thanks'

Ruth continued to treat the casualties when she hears a loud shriek come for Liam

'RUTH GET OUT OF THE WA...' It was too late a car shunted into the already crashed car, which Ruth was in front of and it all went black!

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 21<span>

'Jay, wait outside' he couldn't bring himself to leave her side although he knew he should, he had to let Adam and Zoe do their jobs.

As he left Resus he bumped into Jeff and Dixie as they looked on through the glass to see how she was doing

'Did you guys pick her up?' His voice was empty and he couldn't take his eyes off her lifeless body

'Yeah mate, she had stopped to help a pedestrian who had been knocked over by a vehicle when another car bumped into the one she was in front of.'

'Where is Liam? Did you bring him in too?' His voice was not paniced at the thought of Liam sitting somewhere in the ED alone probably thinking that he was going to lose another mum

'What was that sweetheart? It was only her we brought in' Dixie looked confused as to who Liam was but alarmed at the same time at the thought of leaving a casualty behind.

'Ruth's son, he is 12 years old, he was with her'

'Her what? You've lost us mate' The paramedics exchanged glances with each other, confused by the nonsense that Jay seemed to be babbling

'Who else was brought in?'

'The original pedestrian and the two drivers of the vehicles, there was no one else on the scene'

'Drive me there, I need to find him!'

Jay began to head for the doors of the ED knowing that it was time he stepped up for Liam and he knew that Ruth would want to know that he was safe.

'Jay, where are you going? I need to speak to you!' Zoe was shouting to him from across the reception desk, part of him wanted to ignore her and walk out just so he could forget, but he isn't that sort of person.

'Is she ok? What happened to her?'

'We are still working on her and she isn't out of the woods yet but I have a couple of questions, let's sit down' she gestures towards the seats 'did you know Ruth was pregnant?'

'Wait she didn't tell anyone at work? How did you not notice?'

'No she hasn't mentioned it and I equally have no clue as to how a group of medical professionals didn't not know anyway the ultrasound machine is broken, we are waiting on maternity bringing one down but it would help if you could tell us how far along she is?'

'Emm about, well I'm not entirely sure but I have a copy of her 16 week scan' Jay reaches into his wallet and pulls out a crumpled photo 'is this of any help?'

'That's great I have to get back in there soon, I'll be back as soon as we know anymore' she touches his had affectionately as she get up walk away

'Wait Zoe, please tell me she is going to be ok?' With the emotion in his voice he is practically pleading with the doctor to reassure him, something he has heard patient do a thousand times over

'Jay you know we are doing her best, you will know anything the minute we do' she tries to give him a smile to calm him like she would do with any other relative but this was different, this is Ruth and Jay, the strangest couple in the ED!

'If anything changes call me, I have to go out for a while' He knew that as much as he wanted to stay and watch their every move like a hawk he knew that if he and Ruth were going to be a family, Liam was a big part of this and he had to be Jay's priority for now. He began to quickly jog towards the doors of the ED and quickened his pace the moment he was outside until he reached the scene of the accident, this is when it dawned on him that Liam had witnessed both his mothers being knocked over so it was no wonder he ran because he was scared, that and also the fact that he was very much like Ruth and attempted to run away from his problems.

It was at this exact moment in time that Jay made the conscious decision to do whatever it took to make Ruth and Liam feel safe enough that they never have to run again. Although he did have to find Liam first. As he wondered the street, checking his phone every couple of seconds, anxiously awaiting a call from the ED to say Ruth had woken up, he tried to get into the mindset of a 12 year old and where they would run to and then it dawned on him.

As the dishevelled nurse sprinted his way around the small streets he eventually found the house he was looking for. Jay could see from a distance that the front door was open, Jay took this as a promising sign that the search was over and they could return to the hospital. He approached the door with caution and call on Liam so he wouldn't startle him, however he was not met with the sight of an upset young boy but a terrified one as he sat watch someone raiding through the drawers. It was only when the dark hooded figure turned around that Jay realise who it was.

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><p>Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

Chapter 22

What the h*ll are you doing here?' The figure snarled, with a look of both anger and emotion on his face.

'Look mate, I don't want any trouble, I only came to pick up Liam' Jay put his hand out and motioned for the terrified boy to take it as he did so, the hooded figure grabbed Jay's arm and kept a tight grip on it.

'Not so fast, first of all we are not mates, you are just some bit my sister has latched herself onto and second of all...' He was cut off as an older man entered the room. Jay did not recognise him but he looked similar to the hooded man.

'My grandson isn't going anywhere with some guy I don't know' This is the moment Jay realised that this must be Ruth dad, anger boiled up inside of him at the sight of the people who have caused so much pain in Ruth's life.

'I'm not going to stand here and listen to this, you are the stranger to him, not me! So why don't you get out of our way and we will leave you to your business! Now come on Liam, we are leaving' Jay could feel himself turning red with anger but he knew he had to keep as calm as possible for Liam's sake. By this time Liam was almost cowering behind Jay, too scared to look at the strange me occupying his home.

'Son, you are not going anywhere, if Ruth wants the boy then she has to come and get him herself, or is she too busy like she was 12 years ago?' There was one obvious similarity between father and daughter which Jay noticed, they both had acid-like tongues when they wanted to. However Jay knew that Ruth's was a defence mechanism where as her father was just pure evil.

'Look, Mr Winters...' Jay is interrupted by a rapture of laughter

'Dad listen to this guy, what a tw*t'

'Shut-it Jon, let me do the talking. Let's give your sister her due here, she might be a snotty cow but at least she isn't some good for nothing junkie like you! Now keep looking!'

'What...what are you looking for?' Stuttered Liam, out of nowhere with a slight tremor in his voice

'Oh so you speak then? I thought you were just a coward like you mum, sorry no I mean your Great-Aunt Ellen!' Liam jumped slightly as Jonathan knelt down to mock him at eye level before being slapped round the back of the head by his father

'What did I just tell you? Keep that shut' The older of the two men gestured towards Jonathan's mouth 'and keep on looking, is that really so bl**dy hard?'

'Leave Liam alone, he is nothing to do with this, go and wait outside, I'll follow you out' Jay tried to reassure the scared little boy with a smile but it was so transparent that anyone could tell it was in no way real. Jay's eyes then moved to Ruth's father, pleading with him to let Liam go and wait outside.

'WELL IF YOUR LEAVING YOU BETTER GO THEN, BOTH OF YOU' Jay saw this as his chance to get out of there as well. They both rushed towards the door and never looked back.

Jay could not have believed the scene he has just witnessed, he was partly in shock with himself. How could he have just stood there? He knew why subconsciously, he had to set an example to Liam. The poor boy had seen enough without Jay fighting with his Granddad and Uncle. This was one fight that would have to wait. Another reason Jay knew of as to why he remained calm was for Ruth's sake. What use would he be to her if he was lying in the hospital bed next to her? He knew he had made the right choice to walk away, even if he did feel like a coward.

Every time Ruth revealed a small part of her life to Jay, he swore blind to himself that if he ever came across the people who caused her so much misery in her life that he would kill them yet today he realised that people like the Winter, except Ruth, weren't worth the fight and were best left alone.

Jay and Liam walked back to the hospital in silence, both their heads spinning over the day's events.

'I'm sorry I ran away, is Ruth ok? Was she angry?' Liam looked upset and worried at the same time, he knew he shouldn't have left Ruth after the other car hit her but he couldn't bear the thought of someone else close to him getting hurt. Jay didn't know how to answer this so he pulled him into an Jay Hug and said quietly 'Don't worry, she could never be angry with you'

Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.


	23. Chapter 23

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

Chapter 23

'How is she doing? What are her stats? Come on now Dr Hanna, as quick as you please!' Sarah Evan's was the last person they had wanted to call but they knew that a Neurology consultation was needed and she was the best, even if she had left the young doctor out of job.

'BP and heart rate are stable but she has had a knock to the head so I felt it was best to call you in'

'CT and x-ray?'

'We haven't...' Zoe was cut off by the angry tone of Sarah Evan's

'What do you expect me to do without those? I might be amazing but I don't have x-ray vision' She laughed at her own joke whilst Zoe looked on shocked at how one person can be so pompous. Her thoughts were interrupted by the doors of Resus opening with Jay and a small boy coming in 'Get out of here, we have enough bodies in here already Staff Nurse Faldren'

Before Jay had a chance to answer Liam opened up and spoke, louder than Jay had ever heard him 'Is my mum going to be ok?'

Sarah Evan's ignored this statement and turned back to Zoe 'Well what do you have to say?'

'Can we step outside Ms Evan's, considering the patients family is here?' Zoe gestured towards Jay and Liam who were now at Ruth's bedside both clutching onto her hand.

'I really do not have time for this, page me once you gave the scans!' She headed towards the doors of Resus to leave but she wasn't getting away that easily Zoe decided!

'Stop right there, I have a patient and a friend lying here on conscious who has a head injury and you are not going to treat her? The reason for not having the scan was because we wanted to wait until maternity could get her and we could get a foetal heart rate and asses Ruth's baby! We called you away from your busy schedule because it is your job to assess people and I believe that there isn't a skull fracture however Ruth deserves the best possible treatment so would you care to take a look at her? If not I shall call Henry down and ask his opinion!' Jay stood looking at Zoe in shock that she had just shouted at Sarah Evan's, it was about time someone did.

'I would be very careful with your tone Dr Hanna as I do not care much for it! As I previously stated without scans I cannot do anything and as for her foetus, that should not be your main concern, your patient should be!'

Liam's question had still not been answered so he chose this moment to enquire again from the worst possible source but he was not aware of this as he approached the two arguing woman 'Is my mum going to be ok?'

'I'm sorry, who is this boy's mother Staff Nurse Faldren and why is he in here?' Once again her tone was back and she once again completely ignored the young boy in from of her

'I am Liam, I asked the question so you can answer me not Jay. Ruth Winter's is my mother and I would like to know is she is going to be ok?' His voice was trembling whilst saying this but he wanted an answer and he hated being ignored.

'Is this some sort of joke, since when has Ruth had a son?'

Jay saw this as his moment to cut in, he didn't want Sarah Evans to lay into Liam, he had already been through enough upset and she was cold enough to not care! As patients relative, we would appreciate it if you would answer Liam's question or else we will be making a complaint to the board over your attitude'

'This is absurd, I am not going to be spoke to you like this, I will also not be threatened by a nurse!' As she made her statement, Jay notice Mr Jordan was standing by the door of the Resus and have a smug look on his face

'Well how would you like to be threatened by a Clinical Lead and highly respected consultant? As I have just heard you be disrespectful towards a patient and her family and also refused to treat someone, I suggest that you apologise to Liam and leave my department and await a call from the board over your conduct'

'Good afternoon to you to Mr Jordan, I will not be forced to do anything however I will leave your department!' With that the door of the Resus slammed and Jay, Zoe and Nick all exchanged a look with each other.

'What... Where... where am I?' There was a small mumble from one of the bay's, this made everyone rush towards Ruth's bed.

Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.


	24. Chapter 24

**Her Secret**

Sorry this is another short part! Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this!

Chapter 24

The next few hours were a haze for Ruth, she was struggling to remember what had happened to her, she had no memory of the accident or the events leading up to it. This was seen to be common but Ruth wasn't satisfied by this, she wanted to remember, it frustrated her when things were out with her control.

'Babe, just calm down, you're ok, the baby is ok and Liam is ok! Stop getting yourself worked up over not being able to remember what happened. You should know how common this is yourself!' Jay was trying to make Ruth feel better and be thankful over how lucky she was but there was no way that was going to happen.

'Jay, I need some time alone, can you take Liam back to the flat, he has had a stressful day' Her tone was cold, almost emotionless.

'Are you sure you will be ok on your own? I could take Liam to my Nan's and come back if you want, she wouldn't mind watching him?' He was wary to leave her, she had still not had a CT scan so she didn't have the all clear yet.

'Jay, just go'

'Ok, I'll see you later, call me if you need anything' Jay was hurt by how Ruth was behaving towards him, he hadn't done anything wrong all he wanted was for her to be ok. He decided to do as he asked and take Liam home.

Once again as Jay was approaching the doors of the ED to leave, he was called back by Zoe.

'Jay, are you off?'

'Yeah, Ruth wants me to take Liam home and to give her some space. Actually Zoe can you do me a favour?' Jay had a sombre look on his face, he could almost sense something was wrong

'Sure what is it?'

'Call me once Ruth has had the CT, hopefully it will all be fine but I will sleep better'

'Hey Liam, why don't you go and say goodbye to Ruth one last time?' Liam wanders off obliviously and Zoe turns back to Jay 'Has Ruth not told you?' Zoe looked confused

'Told me what? Did she go for the scan when I took Liam for something to eat?' Panic crossed Jay's face as he wondered what he had missed

'You know I can't tell you without breaching patient confidentiality, you will have to speak to Ruth'

'Oh come on Zoe, you know what she can be like, she will never ask for my help'

'Jay, I can't you know how much trouble I could get in if I tell you anything without her permission'

'Zoe, please' Jay was pleading and his eyes were welling up, what was Ruth keeping from him

'Follow me and I never told you any of this' Jay followed Zoe to the corridor between the ED and CDU 'Ok basically Ruth refused the CT, she doesn't want to endanger the baby, she obviously knows that she could be doing harm to both of them, especially with her head ache but she doesn't want the radiation. No one can talk any sense into her Jay, she tried to discharge herself earlier I only managed to convince her to stay because she didn't want you to find out! I honestly don't know what to do, I have tried talking to her and she knows that the baby is ok, the heartbeat is strong and there is good movement.' Zoe could see from the look on Jay's face that this was not what he wanted to hear

'I... I have.. to speak to her, talk some sense into her' Jay went running off away from Zoe

'JAY, WAIT! Oh for god's sake' She then goes running after the distressed nurse, heels clacking on the way.

'Ruth, what the h**l is going on? Why are you refusing treatment?' Ruth could sense the anger in her voice and didn't know how to explain that's when the room started to spin and then went dark

'RUTH! RUTH! RUTH! WAKE UP!'

Thanks for reading and please comment, good or bad.


	25. Chapter 25

**Her Secret**

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this! The bits in italics are flashbacks.

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><p><span>Chapter 25<span>

The waiting, this was the part which Jay hated more than anything. Every time the doors to the theatre opened he couldn't help but look pleadingly at the person leaving with a pleading look on his face, still no answers. He was so angry with her, he know this was wrong but what had she been thinking refusing treatment? That is almost as ironic as a smoking doctor.

Jay tried to relive each moment in his mind form a few hours ago until now...

'_RUTH! RUTH! RUTH! WAKE UP!'_

'_Someone page Mr Jordan and Dr Trueman, Jay wait outside with Liam!' Zoe had instructed him firmly_

'_No, I can help, I have to do something'_

'_Go now, for Liam's sake, he doesn't need to see this'_

_The time Jay spent looking through the glass of the Resus door felt like hours, no matter how hard his colleagues worked, Ruth wouldn't walk up. Typical Ruth always stubborn, doing the opposite of what everybody wanted of her._

_Jay could see the painstaking look on Liam's face, each treatment was hurting him more and more. Every time a syringe or BP monitor went near her he flinched._

'_Hey mate, you're looking tired, why don't I get my Nan to take you home?' Jay tried to seem as chipper and happy as possible, he used to do this as a child and he hoped that Liam bought it._

'_I want to stay here, I want to see what's going to happen to Ruth'_

'_OK, if that's what you want'_

_The pair stood in silence watching every move of the ED team, Liam's eye's grew more heavy and he was practically sleeping on his feet._

'_Come on' Jay took Liam into the staff room and settled him on the soft and waited for him to fall asleep_

'_You know, you are so like your mum! I know I haven't been around for long but I promise you whatever happens, I won't leave you. Your mum would kill me!'Jay gave a light chuckle to himself and walked towards the door of the staffroom and got out his phone._

'_Hello Nan, its Jay, I need a favour'_

'_Yeah, OK when you get here just ask for me and someone will come and get me'_

Another 30 minutes, still no news. Many of the ED staff had came to check on him, Tess had tried to make him go home, Charlie had brought his a coffee and Big Mac and Noel tried to make the time pass faster but he wasn't interested.

'_Nan, thanks for coming. I know I didn't stay too much on the phone but...' She cut him off and gave him her signature look_

'_Jamshid, when were you planning on telling me you were home?'_

'_I know I should have but I've had a lot going on, Ruth is pregnant and is now lying in a hospital bed so if I'm honest Nan can I have the lecture later?'_

'_Don't you take that tone with me young man because you are not too old for a clip round the ear'_

'_Nan, this is serious, I need your help. I don't know what to do, My.. well I don't know what we are yet is having my baby and she is lying in a hospital bed and I have no idea what is wrong with her.' Tears emerged in Jay's eyes, he needed the wise old woman to tell him what to do as she had been doing all his life_

'_Oh come here my boy' His Nan wrapped her arms around the young nurse 'What do you need me to do?'_

'_Take Ruth's son home, he is in the staff room, sleeping. I'll explain everything to you later' He managed to pull a smile from somewhere within to reassure his Nan_

'_OK, your sister is outside in the car, I'll get her to drop us off at home. You better come and see me as soon as you can we have a lot to discuss, you and Ruth. I want to meet the mother of my great-grandchild'_

_With Liam gone Jay was now waiting alone, outside the ED where his Nan had left him, for news, of any sort, he hated not knowing what was going on. All he wanted was to wake up and be back to 4 months ago before he and Ruth broke up. He would have stopped her, made her trust him. Not run half way around the world to go on a jolly with Kelsey. He had, had enough wait he wanted to know what was going on, he had to go back into Resus._

'_Noel, where had Ruth gone? She was here a few minutes ago' Panic was in his voice_

'_I've got no idea mate, sorry'_

'_WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE DIDN'T JUST WALK OUT OF HERE, SHE WAS ON CONSCIOUS' He couldn't control his temper anymore, he couldn't cope if anything happened to her or the baby_

'_Jay, take it easy, I'll find Dr Hanna'_

'_YEAH YOU DO THAT' He knew this wasn't Noel's fault but he had to do something, blame someone_

'_Jay, Ruth has been taken to theatre, she has intracranial pressure. We have hopefully caught it on time. They are going to relieve the pressure by operating. Nick has went with them'_

'_Why didn't anyone come and get me? Will she be ok?'_

'_We tried no one could find you, the surgeons are hopeful that they can rectify the problem' Zoe really didn't know how to act towards Jay, any other relatives she was fine, but these were her colleagues, her friends._

'_And the baby'_

'_Maternity are on standby, stop torturing yourself there is nothing which could be done to stop this happening'_

'_It would have been spotted sooner if she had the scan though, wouldn't it?'_

'_Jay why don't you go and get some sleep in the on call room? You must be tired'_

'_I'm going to head up to Neuro and wait for her to come out of theatre, I won't sleep until I know she is ok' With that Jay wandered off towards the lift, noticing how his last two questions were ignored._

This was how he found himself counting the seconds pass as he waited for any news.

Another face emerged from the theatre, this time it was an unexpected one. Nick Jordan emerged with a solemn look upon his face, this was it, Jay knew it. He had the awful thought that his world was about to be shattered.

'How is she?' Tears once again started to stream down Jay's face before he was told anything, he assumed it was bad news, it always was where he was concerned.

'You can breath now, she is a fighter, they are moving her to ITU but it looks positive' Nick's face broke out in a smile as he saw the relief on Jay's face

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><p>Thanks for reading :) Please comment, good or bad :D<p>

PS. My medical knowledge limited to what I have picked up at my Saturday job so some of what I have said could be utter nonsense haha


	26. Chapter 26

**Her Secret **

Thank you to all the lovely people who have been reading this! This is the last part to Her Secret but look out for Their Family, the sequel, it will be posted tomorrow as a separate fiction :D

Chapter 26

Jay

The next few weeks were a blur of hospital visits, work and looking after Liam. Ruth wasn't out of the woods yet but she was doing better each day and they were getting ready to ease her off the sedation. If this is a success then she should be awake and talking soon. Something which they really needed to do, they needed to sort everything out once and for all.

He decided that it was about time that he sorted out where they were going to live, there was nowhere near enough space in Ruth's flat for her and Liam never mind a baby and hopefully him. If he was honest looking at flats was a distraction to what was really going on. Ruth would probably go mad at him from renting a flat without her but he wanted to surprise her, have everything sorted for her once she woke up. He wanted her to wake up and they could live like a proper family, the four of them.

Liam

Liam was struggling to carry on as normal as Jay was, he wanted to just forget everything. The last few weeks had changed his life forever. His mum died, his biological mum was lying in a hospital bed and he was living with strangers, well not exactly it was Jay's family but they weren't his family.

Jays mum and sister were really nice to him, they tried to include him in their family and make him feel at home but this wasn't his home. His home was with his mum, away from all the drama. Jay had been talking about them all being a family but that was never going to happen, he would always feel like an outsider, Ruth may be his mother but Ellen Winters would always be his mum.

He knew this was being selfish and that Ruth wasn't well so it was time to leave these bad feelings in the past, this was his life now and there was nothing he could do to change that.

'Mr Faldren, we are getting ready to reduce the sedation, it might not work first time so please don't be expecting too much'

'OK, how long until she is talking again?' He chose to totally ignore what had just been said to him, he was only focusing the positive

'Did you understand what I just said?'

'Yes, now can we continue?'

The doctors and nurses worked around Jay as he watched each move they made, double checking everything. There would be no mistake here, everything is going to be perfect for when she wakes up. Flowers in the room, some textbooks for reading, a couple of photos, a schedule for their new flat and most importantly the baby scan. The only reason Ruth had to undergo this surgery was because she refused the scan for the sake of the baby. He knew how much this meant to her.

Coughing interrupted Jay's line of though.

'Hello, Dr Winters my name is Dr Thurlow a Neurologist. You are at Holby City Hospital. You and your baby are doing well. Do you under what I'm saying?'

Her voice was weak from lack of use and she couldn't get the words out, Jay could sense her fear and frustration

'Ruth, its Jay you're going to be ok, you scared me half to death'

'She needs her rest you know' The doctor tried to direct Jay towards to door of ICU but was interrupted

'I...I... want him to stay' Ruth had found her voice from somewhere, she knew it was time to ask for help

'Very well, we will be moving her again soon so I'll return then' The polished doctor looked at both of them before making his way out of the ward.

There was silence between the pair. Both a mixture of relief and confusion. Jay wanted to know what had happened, why did she refuse treatment? He didn't want to push her for answers so chose just to leave it.

'You have no idea how worried me and Liam were, the poor kid has hardly said two words'

'Is he at school?' Ruth knew Jay would want some sort of explanation but she didn't know what to say to him, she knew she had been stupid

'Yes, he wanted to be here but I thought it was better to wait and see how it went first and I'm going to bring him by later' Jay knew lying to Ruth was a bad idea but he didn't want her to know how much of a hard time he was really having

'Good, Jay we need to talk'

'I know, what happened?'

'This is all my fault, I never should have put that woman before the babies safety' Tears welled up in her eyes are she recalled the moments before the car hit her

'Hey, come on now, you're not to blame. You were only trying to do your job, trying to help the woman, who by the way was very grateful'

'But the baby, something could have happened'

'But it didn't, you are both ok.'

'What happened in Resus? Why did I need surgery?'

'You had some complications, since you didn't have the scans' The atmosphere in the room changed at that moment, Jay could sense Ruth closing up. She didn't want to talk anymore

'Maybe I should get some rest, Jay'

'OK. I know I shouldn't be asking but why did you refuse treatment?' He didn't want to push her but he needed to know

'I honestly don't know Jay, I thought it would be better for the baby if it wasn't exposed to anything' The tears continued to fall but they were now followed with deep sobs

'Oh come here' Jay wrapped his arms around her and just held her,

They sat for hours embracing each other, even after Ruth fell asleep Jay was too scared to move. He loved watching her sleep.

Ruth

She lay there the whole night in Jay's arms thinking of the future, she wanted nothing more that to leave the hospital with him and live a normal life. She was determined that this was what she was going to give her kids, they were to never want for anything and were going to grow up knowing how loved they are.

Thanks for reading, please review, good or bad :D


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